The time in my life when my hopes and dreams were biggest was when I was young and as yet, for the most part, not limited by sin and its ability to change and narrow. Some of my dreams would have been considered childish and naive by adults. I thought about being a policeman, a fireman, a doctor, a pilot, an astronaut, and yes, the president of the United States. Most of these dreams I had for my life represented people who, in my mind, were either courageous or who served others in important ways, or both. These people were heroic to me, and I wanted to be like them. I wanted my life to matter and to be of service to others in meaningful ways.
Later, when I was at the point of my life when these types of decisions were actually being made, that wasn't always true. Sometimes the focus of the decisions I was making was solely on myself and how those decisions would benefit me without any regard to how they would impact my ability to serve others. That's not necessarily wrong, but is an order of magnitude removed from and less than what I desired and aspired to when I was young.
The problem was not that I wanted to make the best decisions for myself, decisions that would allow me to provide for my needs and raise a family, but that I had started to see others as competitors rather than as brothers and sisters. I no longer trusted people as much as when I was young, and that distrust of others and their motives created a distance between me and them. My focus had definitely shifted from finding a life which served others to finding a life which served me and my needs first. Serving others was a distant thought and a faint memory, and no longer central to the way I thought or felt.
Is it any wonder that the Lord rebuked his disciples when they tried to keep the children from Him? He taught them saying, "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God" (Mark 10:13-16). The Lord said this because children are full of righteous hope and desire...they are as yet, untouched by sin. They are a joy to be around because of their innocence and because their hope and curiosity and love for life are unbounded. If heaven is like little children, then I imagine it too abounds in hope and possibility and is by its very nature, limitless.
I remember a time when my wife went out of town and I stayed home to take care of our baby. Going to the airport to pick up loved ones is always a joyful experience. There is nothing so satisfying as being reunited with someone you truly love after a time of separation. I hold fondly the warm memory of seeing my wife's love for me reflected in her face when she recognized me from a distance. I felt her love for me before she ever reached my side and it was obvious to me and everyone around us that she loved me and was excited to see me. What an incredible boost...I felt so loved and validated.
This trip to the airport, however, stands out in my mind for another reason as well. Usually, when I go to the airport people around me are very focused on themselves and are busy getting from here to there. Perhaps amidst the rush of meeting schedules you occasionally catch the eye of a stranger, or they yours and then there's that inevitable rush of self consciousness followed by a tinge of embarrassment as both of you wonder what the other is thinking. The fear, of course, is that they might think you were staring at them, and if so, why? So, you both break eye contact as quickly as possible and pretend that the embarrassing episode never really happened or, perhaps, you give a small apologetic smile flush with embarrassment.
But this time was very different because this time I had gone there with a baby in my arms. Now I'm not famous or even remotely recognizable as such. I'm not good looking, outgoing, or engaging in the least, but that day I was the most popular and approachable person in that airport or in any other. Of course, I wasn't the star, it was my baby. He really was irresistible and had a magnetic pull on those around us that quite honestly caught me off guard and caused me to marvel a little. It was actually quite fun to be the center of attention in a way which allowed so many people to feel loving tender feelings. We brought a lot of joy into people's lives that day just by being there. Such is the power of little children.
If we were able to recapture their innocence and hope I am convinced that those qualities would radiate from us as well. Innocence and hope and enthusiasm for life are so attractive that people are naturally drawn to them. And, these are the very qualities which separate children from those of us who have beome cynical and jaded by life and sin.
All throughout my school years, I was bullied, teased, and made to look ridiculous and to feel worthless. I held bitter feelings of resentment toward those who bullied me for years. These experiences have made it difficult to make and keep close friends because, even now, I find it difficult to develop the trust that would allow that to happen.
In telling this I'm not seeking approval or sympathy, but have come to recognize that until I can really put these feelings behind me, they will continue to limit me and hold me back. The Lord has commanded us to forgive others their tresspasses and sins against us (Matthew 18:21-22, Matthew 18:23-35, Doctrine and Covenants 64:8-11). Not forgiving others allows their sins to to become our own as we carry the resentment and burden of those sins.
Our own sins bring the additional burdens of personal guilt and despair (Moroni 10:22). These sins can really damage a person's self esteem. This guilt can even make God seem unapproachable and distant. A normal and understandable interpretation of these feelings is that we have angered the Lord, and that He couldn't possibly love us now. Not after what we have done (whatever that may be).
This, of course, is not true, and is a lie told by Satan, but it is a lie which is easy to believe when one is struggling with the burden guilt imposes. Can you see how sin can lead to distortions of reality. God's love is constant and unchanging, but sin, and the guilt and loss of self respect that accompany it leave us vulnerable to the influence and lies Satan would have us believe. Satan wants to destroy us and I can 't think of any way more effective than separating us from the light and love God shares with us through His spirit. If Satan can keep us from praying, he has won a great battle (2Nephi 32:8-9).
And thus Satan tries to rob us of our self esteem and tries to distance us from God. He tries to separate us from family and friends who love us and would lend us strength and support. He wants us to feel alone, unloved, and unworthy (Alma41:10). Is there any lie bigger than this? But it is a lie Satan successfully tells and convinces many to believe. This is reality so distorted that it is almost turned inside out.
If you feel this way, I urge you to get help. Seek out the Lord, and He will rush to your defense. Seek out members of your family who you believe would help you and support you. Sometimes forgiveness is required on both sides. That can be really hard, but if differences can be worked through, you have regained the support and love of family. Many times our perception of family can become so distorted that we don't believe that any of them love us when in many instances they do and pray hoping that we will reach out to them. If that is not possible seek out the help of trusted friends.
If our perceptions no longer represent the true nature of either ourselves or those around us, we will need help seeing things clearly again. Satan's lies can be very convincing. It's no accident that sin robs us of hope and brings with it despair. That's exactly how Satan wants us to feel. When our life is darkened by sin, the only lasting way to bring light and hope back is through repentance, God's greatest gift, and this through His son, Jesus Christ.
No comments:
Post a Comment